Many parents want to know their baby's gender. But what if the baby's gender is not what you desired? Learn how to manage gender disappointment and enjoy your pregnancy
Gender disappointment (GD) occurs when the sex of your baby is not what you desired. GD is rarely talked about and often misunderstood. In the article, "Gender Disappointment: Feeling Disappointed About The Gender of Your Baby" (BellyBelly), Kelly Zantey writes, "Gender disappointment is fairly common and is nothing to feel ashamed about." Understanding GD can help you to manage your emotions and enjoy your pregnancy.
Experiencing Gender Disappointment
In the July 2006 article of Carolina Parent, "But I Really Wanted a Girl," Robin Whitsell writes, "According to Sara Rosenquist, Ph.D., a Chapel Hill psychologist who specializes in new-parent issues, feelings of guilt and disappointment are common among postpartum parents even though they often feel they can't talk about these feelings to family and friends."
GD is not limited to expectant mothers. According to Whitsell, both parents can experience these emotions, which range from confusion, to anxiety relating to a certain gender and even pressure from family with high gender expectations.
Who gets GD and why? In “Secretly Sad: Overcoming Gender Disappointment,” Andrea Elovson (BabyZone) writes that GD is a product of society, family and personal issues. Maybe your family is longing for their first grandson. Perhaps you have always imagined a daughter to share those special moments. Reasons for GD vary from person to person.
Managing Gender Disappointment
Take time to grieve the gender you are not having. The feelings of loss can be very real and you may experience a period of mourning.
Talk about it. Tell someone you trust, such as a partner, a friend or a healthcare professional.
Write it out. Journal or post messages on a GD web forum such as In-Gender or iVillage.
Stay positive. Focus on other aspects of parenthood besides gender.
Gender disappointment can put a damper on new baby preparations. If shopping for gender specific items is too emotional, delegate this task to someone else. If you are concerned about your family's reactions, keep the gender to yourself. Don’t dwell on the unchangeable. Instead, celebrate the joys of pregnancy.
Enjoy Your Pregnancy
Pregnancy is a very special time and growing a new life is no easy task. Taking care of your emotional and physical wellbeing is more important now then ever. Your baby will thank you for staying calm and avoiding stress.
Pamper yourself. Treat yourself to a much needed pregnancy massage or take a relaxing prenatal yoga class.
Meditate. Or better yet, forget about pregnancy for a day. Find a quiet room, light lavender and vanilla scented candles, play some soft music and let your mind wander into a good book or your favorite magazine.
Shop…for you! Looking good on the outside can lift your spirits, so go ahead, splurge on that new maternity top you’ve had your eye on.
Moving Forward
Elovson encourages parents to take time to heal. Fortunately, she notes that getting to know your child can diminish or even eliminate your disappointment. There is no quick fix to GD, but understanding your feelings can help to manage your emotions.
In the meantime, pamper yourself and celebrate your pregnancy. Focus on ways to transform disappointment into enjoyment.
The copyright of the article How to Manage Gender Disappointment in Pregnancy & Childbirth is owned by Dana Herrera. Permission to republish How to Manage Gender Disappointment in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
i don't really understand GD. a fetus feels everything the mother does so
aren't you projecting those horrible feelings onto your unborn child? i
definitely agree with the author that a woman needs to talk about her GD
with a professional, along with her husband.
Aug 17, 2008 11:21 PM
Guest :
GD is very real and painful and needs to be better understood and explored
by the very professionals the above comment makes reference to. The guilt
and shame that is felt only makes it more difficult to work through because
there's hardly anyone to talk to about it, who doesn't tell you that you
should just be grateful for what you have. I went through GD and then to
top it off, I had several inaccurate ultrasounds telling me I was finally
having my longed for daughter. Delivery room shocks are a whole other brand
of pain (that needs to be discussed more) because you actually grieve the
gendered baby that was VERY real in your head. Everyone's feelings on this
topic are very real and need to be honored.
Stephanie author of Lullabies & Alibis (the story of one woman's desperation to
have a daughter)
Aug 18, 2008 6:19 PM
Guest :
Like the first commenter wrote.... It's really quite impossible to
understand this phenomena until you have been there and longed for a
specific gender. Every child is an incredible miracle and a gift. After
having three of a particular gender, my heart longed for one of the
opposite gender. I did, indeed, achieve this dream, but so many never get
to experience this. I feel for them. These dreams are deep rooted -
sometimes from childhood. It's really the loss of a dream. People say you
can achieve anything you set out to do, but giving birth to a particular
gender is not in our hands. It's the one thing we cannot control.
Dec 2, 2008 7:59 AM
Guest :
I have 3 beautiful, healthy, happy boys. I could not love them more.
However, I desperately wanted a baby girl. After finally convincing my
loving supportive husband to have another child, we found out at a 17 week
sonogram that it is another boy. I have been terribly depressed for a week
now. I haven't been able to share the news with anyone because of my
sadness. The guilt I feel for being disappointed is as painful as the
disappointment itself. It is so difficult; if you haven't experienced it
there is no possible way to understand it. I know I will absolutely adore
him when he arrives, but right now I am just trying to make it through each
day without tears.
Dec 2, 2008 8:00 AM
Guest :
I have 3 beautiful, healthy, happy boys. I could not love them more.
However, I desperately wanted a baby girl. After finally convincing my
loving supportive husband to have another child, we found out at a 17 week
sonogram that it is another boy. I have been terribly depressed for a week
now. I haven't been able to share the news with anyone because of my
sadness. The guilt I feel for being disappointed is as painful as the
disappointment itself. It is so difficult; if you haven't experienced it
there is no possible way to understand it. I know I will absolutely adore
him when he arrives, but right now I am just trying to make it through each
day without tears.
Dec 8, 2008 3:58 PM
Guest :
Just found out that I am having a girl. This will be my only pregnancy. As
a tomboy, being a little girl was very awkward and painful for me. I just
"get" boys so much better. I bond with them easily. My best
friends are men. Yes, I'm thankful that at 39 I got pregnant
easily. Yes, I'm thankful that she is healthy by all appearances. Yes, I will love and care for her and delight in her. But my little
boy that I will never have, how I long for you. Some of us don't
have 3 or 4 tries in life because of age or health or relationship status,
that's the source of my GD.
Dec 8, 2008 4:07 PM
Guest :
Just found out that I am having a girl. This will be my only pregnancy. As
a tomboy, being a little girl was very awkward and painful for me. I just
"get" boys so much better. I bond with them easily. My best
friends are men. Yes, I'm thankful that at 39 I got pregnant
easily. Yes, I'm thankful that she is healthy by all appearances. Yes, I will love and care for her and delight in her. But my little
boy that I will never have, how I long for you. Some of us don't
have 3 or 4 tries in life because of age or health or relationship status,
that's the source of my GD.
Jan 14, 2009 9:58 AM
Guest :
I just found our yesterday at 16wks that we're having our second girl. I
feel terrible about being disappointed that it's not a boy since I have
fibroids and endometriosis. I've had two laparoscopies and never thought
I'd be able to conceive. This second pregnancy was a total surprise and it
took a while to adjust. I want to cry, but feel i should be grateful and
shed tears of joy instead. My husband says it doesn't matter to him, but I
doubt he's being honest. His mom desperately wanted a grandson since there
are so many girls is the family. I was abused as a child and I worry now
about having to protect another little girl. I know that boys are not much
safer, but girls just seem to be more vulnerable. I've been praying over
the matter and hope that God gives me peace since I don't have a support
system and do not want to experience postpartum depression a second time.
I love my little girl until it aches my heart--I pray that I will be able
to love this second baby girl the same way--I have the precious images of
her sucking on her thumb and hiding her face and those help a little
Jan 24, 2009 5:31 AM
Guest :
I recently found out that I'm having another boy, it's my second child and
will probably be the last. When I was pregnant the first time I wanted a
girl also but this time the disappointment is more difficult.The first
pregnancy I was not as depressed about the news because it was my first
child and I knew I could try again. GD is very difficult to deal with. On
my side of the family There are only boys..how we all want a little girl.
On my husbands side of the family his siblings has one of each. It's very
sad for me I was secretly hoping for a girl even though when asked I would
say "as long as it's healthy it doesn't matter"..but it does
matter. I have not shared my feelings with anyone until this comment. It's
very bitter sweet..when I go out and see little girls my heart breaks and I
try very hard not to dwell on it. I constantly say to myself the baby will
be so much joy and he will be wonderful..but in the back of my mind It's
there. I know when the baby comes it will be exciting but not having a
daughter breaks my heart.
Feb 19, 2009 9:01 AM
Guest :
It has been so comforting to read information about this. I'm having my
first child and it has been a rough pregnancy in my opinion. I had to have
fibriods removed before even being able to conceive. Yesterday I had the
ultrasound that alerted me to the gender of the baby. We're having a boy. I
could feel my heart shatter into a miliion pieces. I come from a very
matriarchal background and since my grandmother passed away I thought that
I would be able to carry her traditions over with my own daughter. My mom
also expected me to have a girl and when I told her she was equally as
disappointed. My husband wanted a girl and he's disappointed. He's been
wonderful at validating my emotions and I hope I'm doing the same for him.
I have never felt so disappointed and distressed. I feel like an awful
parent because the baby is seemingly healthy and all I hear is that should
be enough but the reality feels very different. Dreams and fantasies of
traditions ended in the blink of an eye. It doesn't even seem real. I know
this will wear off when I meet the person inside, but grieving the loss of
what I thought, hoped and expected is all I can focus on right now. I
appreciate this article and the others I've read because I no longer feel
so alone in this situation.
Mar 18, 2009 12:12 PM
Guest :
This is so hard to talk about because I don't want to sound ungrateful for
being able to have 4 beautiful, smart and wonderful daughtes. I am now 20
weeks pregnant with my 5th child and it is a another girl. I have been so
depressed knowing that the son I have longed for will never be. 5 children
are a lot of responsibility and I don't take it lightly. I don't feel that
it would do any of them good to keep "trying" for a son. But I am
very sad, to the point I feel like I am mourning a child. I don't want to
feel this way and have tried to make it okay, but it isn't. I am a little
scared that I will always feel a an emptiness because I will never have a
son.
Apr 9, 2009 2:02 PM
Guest :
Have a look at the website 'in-gender'. It is a fabulous place for support
for women who feel disappointed in their baby's sex - it is non judgemental
and very supportive. GD is real and sharing with people who know that
helps a great deal.
May 12, 2009 2:35 AM
Guest :
I am so glad to find these articles about GD and certainly most glad I am
not alone. We just found out we will be having a girl and I was
immediately gravely disappointed. This disappointment was quickly shrouded
by shame and guilt. I grew up in a family of many females, I guess the
grass is always greener the other side. My husband says he wants a girl
but I think he is saying this just not to add to my disappointment. I don't
feel the same about the pregnancy anymore, I think I am less excited now.
Every time I think about this, I am reduced to tears. I don't know what
will help me get over GD.
Jul 25, 2009 4:10 PM
Guest :
I am pregnant with my third boy. I was incredibly blessed with my dream of
having a girl with my first pregnancy. I just assumed I would have another
girl. When I found out my second was a boy I cried but after he was a few
months old I rejoiced in his boyhood. When my husband agreed to a third
child I was so hopeful. When I found out it was another boy I went into a
depression that has only recently lifted. This fourth preganacy was a total
surprise and I truly believed God was answering my prayer. I just took the
tell me pink or blue gender prediction test and it said blue. When I read
the news I felt physically ill. I could not sleep a wink all night and I
have no appetite. I have two sisters who are my best friends. I wanted
that for my daughter too. My husband has two brothers and they could
frankly care less about each other. However - I am going to talk to my
doctor about this at my next visit. I am not going to suffer through
another sad joyless pregancy and delivery. My sons do not deserve to be
handled by a mother who feels totally depressed and empty by their
presence. I am getting help. This is real and nothing to be ashamed of!
Aug 13, 2009 12:12 PM
Guest :
18weeks and just found out i am having a girl, it sounds crazy but i was
heartbroken. Its our first child and i have always imagined a boy first, i
know everyone in the family wants me to have a boy so i feel like i have
let everyone down. I know it seems crazy but I am really depressed, i burst
into tears and feel as though i dont even want this child. I never expected
to feel so upset finding out it is a girl, it feels as though someone has
died. Its horrible. I am hoping that once it is born I will fall in love
with my little girl. I just hope the next months go fast cos i cant handle
this depression.
Sep 4, 2009 11:44 AM
Guest :
what if you were adopting? we tried adopting a baby girl from Russia -
mostly cause we could choose the gender unlike domestic adoption. after
the medical reviews on the paperwork showed fetal alchohol syndrome
combined w/russia closing and restricting the program we switched to
domestic adoption. Have matched and now just found out it's a boy. I
should be grateful for any healthy baby but I am stressed out, anxious,
depressed and making my poor husband upset by my response to this match.
In domestic adoption, just like if I was pregnant - you can't choose the
gender. We can't decline this match because its a boy so now the choice is
no baby at all ever - of this boy. Its far too expensive to adopt a 2nd
time trying for a girl. so this would be it. No baby ever or this boy
(why are nursery decorations and clothes for baby boys so awfully ugly?)
Sep 18, 2009 3:41 AM
Guest :
I feel just absolutely awful. I have two beautiful, healthy little girls
and just found out that we are having another little girl. I am so
disappointed and angry and it just makes me feel like a terrible person.
This will be our last child and after suffering several miscarriages I
know I should be thrilled that the baby is healthy and growing. I can't
stop crying and wish that I would just be feeling elated that I am carrying
a healthy baby. I really hate myself right now. I feel like hiding and I
certainly don't feel like having people tell me that I should be thankful
for my blessings.
Sep 21, 2009 4:59 AM
Guest :
I hate that I am having another girl and this is my last baby! At times I
cry so much then other times I want to break something and scream like a
wild woman. I'm afraid I won't get over the fact that I will never have a
son. I wanted to enjoy my last pregnancy, which doesn't seem to be
happening. I was horribly sick the first few months, had a couple good
weeks and now and depressed over having a girl. I know I should be
thrilled that she is healthy and I know I am selfish and well I just hate
myself. I know I should even be more thankful after getting pregnant after
three miscarriages and here I am angry to be pregnant with a girl.
Aug 13, 2008
